Cate Mueller
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Homepage: http://www.catemueller.com
Posts by Cate Mueller
Cate’s Column #12
Aug 18th
AM Radio Fun
Remember the movie “American Graffiti” about life – and hot rods – in a small California town? I grew up in that one-horse town. We had exactly one local radio station, KFIV “K-5” AM and it formed the soundtrack of our lives. I remember as a teenybopper lugging around a tape recorder and radio and recording songs from the radio. We teenaged girls huddled around the radio and called the disc jockeys to request our favorite songs – over and over. When the DJs had call-in contests we hovered near the telephone, rotary-dial spinning fingers at the ready. I remember the elation we felt when we actually got through instead of hearing the endless busy signal bawp bawp bawps.
I won a little transistor radio for high points at a horse show and tied it to my saddle. Hoo-whee, was that fancy – a radio along for a ride. One of my long trail rides took me past the K-5 radio station building, way out in the boonies. I felt sure I would find Wolfman Jack hunched over the turntable if I went inside the studio. Alas, I was too shy.
Thirty-five years later I find myself again living in a rural, remote area with exactly one AM radio station, KLPZ AM, with live, local DJs (or is it CD-Js now?). Quite refreshing from the bodiless and boring classic rock stations dotting the FM band.
Flash back and flash forward to August 2011: KLPZ station owners Keith and Juanita Learn are having a contest to give away an Apple iPhone. When the DJs play Jimmy Buffett’s “Everybody’s On The Phone,” it’s time to make a mad dash for the telephone and call the radio station as quickly as possible to register an entry for the iPhone drawing. Telephones dial much quicker nowadays, but the thrill of connecting to a live DJ is exactly the same. Suddenly I’m that giddy teenager again!
My name is among the thousands in the big box quickly filling in anticipation for the August 25 drawing. My friends are teasing me about being a techno-saur and wondering what the heck I would do with an iPhone. Gee whiz, an old dog can learn new tricks.
Oh! Jimmy Buffett’s on the radio! Quick, where’s the phone?!
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Cate Mueller is a web designer, editor, reporter and photographer in Bouse, Arizona. To visit her website, click here.
Cate’s Column #11
Jul 21st
Busted…?
A long, long time ago in a yard far, far away…
My summer job was watering desert plants and looking after my snowbird neighbors’ homes while they were off enjoying cooler climes. My work vehicle was a bicycle, the basket stuffed with water bottles and house keys. My uniform was portable shade — a wide-brimmed straw hat, long sleeved white shirt and slacks. It didn’t matter to me how I looked; nobody was around to point and laugh.
One day I was dragging a hose in my silent world and heard an extremely loud BONNNNK! I dropped my hose and looked up to see a sheriff’s car. A hand appeared in the window and waved me over.
I trudged through the sand, wondering if someone needed directions.
“Sheriff, you scared me! Gee whiz, I didn’t realize anyone was watching me. I wasn’t picking my nose or anything, was I?”
“What’re you doing here?”
“Watering. I … .”
“No.” He interrupted. “What is your function here?”
“W-watering. I take care of some of my neighbors’ yards while they’re away. Why?”
“We’ve gotten some complaints about somebody going around turning off water.”
“Oh. Well, I turn ON water, so… .” I turned to go.
“What’s your name.”
“Cate Mueller.” What the heck?
“Date of birth. Got any ID, Cate Mueller?”
“ID? No. Why?”
“How do I know you’re who you say you are? You could be here to rob the place.”
“Riding a bicycle?”
The deputy radioed my information to central dispatch and had them check for wants and warrants on me. I waited patiently while the records check came back negative.
The deputy looked me up and down and said, “What’s your husband do?”
Ugh! Dang it, I forgot to reinstall my wedding ring after I slathered on sunscreen and now this guy was hitting on me. I prepared to give him a polite turn-down.
“I’m … not … .”
“Married?” He interrupted me again.
‘Interested!’ I was going to say, ‘I’m not interested’!
“Got a girlfriend?” he smirked.
“Sure.” My turn to smirk.
I let the silence hang for a while. “Look, I have a signed contract with the homeowner. I can go get it if you want.”
“Oh. Well, since you have a signed contract you just go right ahead. Go about your business.” The deputy waved me away and drove slowly off into the sunrise.
Days like that made me appreciate living in near-total isolation.
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Cate Mueller is a web designer, editor, reporter and photographer in Bouse, Arizona. To visit her website,click here.
Cate’s Column #10
Jul 13th
A powerful monsoon storm slammed into my neighborhood three miles northwest of Bouse Sunday evening, July 11th, 2011. Wind toppled tall trees, smashed windows, blew out metal garage doors, plucked coolers from rooftops, ripped awnings from houses and tore off a roof from a stick-built home.
“The wind was blowing the rain so hard it hurt,” reported that homeowner. “I went inside the garage to watch all the lightning and I saw something fly past my window. Then something much larger went flying past – I didn’t realize at the time it was my own garage roof! I didn’t even hear it go. The wind also took the roof off the kitchen.”
The roof is now a mangled mess of metal and lumber down hill from the home.
Aluminum panels littered the neighborhood, some flying for acres before wrapping around trees. Wind flattened several carports and uprooted many Mesquite and Palo Verde trees. Storage sheds and their contents were strewn everywhere.
Power poles along Highway 72 snapped, leaving electrical transformers dangling by wires or smashed on the ground.
As is usual for monsoon storms, the electricity goes out with the first big thunder blast. This time the power went off at 4 o’clock Sunday afternoon and was restored about 4 a.m. Tuesday. Kudos to the APS crew! Surveying the widespread jaw-dropping damage, I expected to be without power much longer than 36 hours.
Out here, no electricity means no running water (limited washing and no flushing – ew!), no air conditioning or telephone; much less modern delights such as television or the Internet. Taking nothing for granted!
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Cate Mueller is a web designer, editor, reporter and photographer in Bouse, Arizona. To visit her website,click here.
Cate’s Column #9
Jun 7th
A Salute to All Who Protect and Serve
I listened to Saturday’s Parker tube float play-by-play on the radio — the police scanner radio.
I salute all our law enforcement, medical and other officials who work so hard protecting and serving us. Heck, maybe that should be protecting — and saving — us from ourselves. My hat is off to our drivers, divers, dispatchers, EMTs and every one of you for your consummate professionalism, patience and polite manners in the face of so much rowdy behavior.
The calls I heard! A tuber too drunk to pry ass from tube. Underage consumption. Private dock trespassing. Drunk drivers. Drunk boaters. And one inappropriately dressed tuber screaming, “I don’t wanna to go to jail! I don’t wanna go to jail!”
Hysterical, by both definitions.
Not all the fun was in Parker; many of the calls came from traffic stops miles away on Interstate 10 and Arizona Highway 95. Whatever the situation our amazing officers maintained their professional demeanor. Very admirable!
Maybe the tubers’ antics were so funny because these are all the things we got away with in the 70s. At this point in my life, however, it’s more fun listening than participating. Call me a dud, but I can do without the hangover!
# # #
Cate Mueller is a web designer, editor, reporter and photographer in Bouse, Arizona. To visit her website,click here.
Cate’s Column #8
May 17th
Bizarre Bouse!
Several months after I moved to Bouse in 2007, strange things began appearing in and around my house. I found a Robert Heinlein novel one morning when I made the bed. I changed those sheets plenty of times without finding any sci-fi.
Odd. I don’t read Heinlein.
One night I let down the blinds and a tiny sombrero tumbled out. The little hat gave me the giggles. When the cat came to see why I was laughing, I put the hat on his head and laughed until I was nearly blue.
The blinds had been going up and down daily for months without a single funny hat trick.
I vacuumed the bedroom and suddenly there was an awful rattling inside the machine. I turned it off and gave it a shake – a shiny brass key fell from the sweeper. I tried the key in all the locks but it did not fit anywhere.
I turned on the oven and black smoke filled the kitchen. The broiler pan was so greasy I thought it might burst into flames. I use the oven all the time, but not the broiler. Broiler-ing is beyond my skill-set, but still I keep it clean. (Cat, what are you up to when I’m away?)
Outside I find seashells, tiny toys, glass bottles, rusty things and beads. Every time the wind blows this acre of sugar sand shifts and I find little (plastic? Bakelite?) beads.
As I write this, something just made a loud smack! on a snare drum. Dogs woke and jumped to their feet barking but there was nothing near the drum.
April 24, night — A faucet outside turned on full blast. Water gushed loud enough to hear it inside the house over the surround sound. I rushed out to turn it off — This is a desert! No wasting water! — and looked around for the culprit. Nothing.
May 16 — I found a head. It’s ceramic, or perhaps porcelain. Ay, yi, YI — what’s next?
Is it me, or is there something goofy about this area? Take a look at my photos and please! Tell me what this all means?
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Cate Mueller is a web designer, editor, reporter and photographer in Bouse, Arizona. To visit her website, click here.
Cate’s Column #7
May 4th
I Don’t Understand
I assumed by the time I turned 50 I would have life all figured out. Wow, was I wrong! Here are some things I still haven’t sorted out:
Why are there so many ways to spell Ketchup — and is it an acceptable source of Vitamin C?
“Do my thing.” As in, “I stepped outside to do my thing.” What thing? And what are you doing to it?
Why anyone would mail money for a free catalog. [More on this in a future column.]
Curds. Curds do not belong in the cheese group. Silly Putty group, perhaps.
White gold. Isn’t that an oxy-moron?
Why we ever drink again after a really bad hangover.
Why bleach stains don’t wash out.
10,000 Maniacs In My Tribe album. Such cheerful music behind boo-hoo lyrics. Imagine Madonna substituting “Holiday!” with “Gloom and doom!”
Why some parents [mine] teach their children about Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny but never mention Jesus. Seriously — I had no idea why my folks took me to this huge old building with fancy windows, nor why they wandered off at one point and drank some wine.
Charlie Sheen.
Television (see above).
Why people say “12 noon.” I mean, when else is noon? Same for midnight.
Why solar power stations waste precious water and make more hot air to generate electricity. Why can’t these towers collect sunlight and store it in nice batteries, the way RVers do?
Why river people grocery shop in bikinis. Grocery stores are cold. Girls look awkward browsing with arms folded across chests.
Why most of our brains switch off when we call a radio station. I go blank every time I dial KLPZ!
Why astronomers in movies always listen to classical music whilst gazing through enormous telescopes. Wouldn’t AC/DC’s You Shook Me All Night Long be more appropriate? You just know the stargazer is going to see something alarming.
Why ‘monosyllabic’ has so many syllables?
Why there are trials for the indisputably guilty Jared Loughners of the world. Really, what is there to decide?
And finally – for now – why the heck is Pakistan irked at us?
# # #
Cate Mueller is a web designer, editor, reporter and photographer in Bouse, Arizona. To visit her website, click here.
Cate’s Column #6
Apr 18th
I have an idea for a fun, furry fundraiser, providing you gentlemen don’t mind being a little itchy.
Autumn 2011 marks the 40th anniversary of the filming of Day of the Wolves, a movie shot in nearby Lake Havasu City and Swansea copper mining ghost town.
The plot involves a mysterious and greedy mastermind who recruits distant thieves to rob an entire town. None of the thieves know each other and are instructed to grow big beards before being transported to a remote desert area [Swansea] for training. Full, thick, bushy facial hair is the thieves’ disguise — from the town folks as well as each other.
Now, here is the fundraising part: In honor of the film’s 40-year anniversary, what about a beard-growing contest in October after summer’s heat? Say, $20 buys a place in the contest and the pot could be raised by gents confident in their face-fluffing abilities. Our local historical societies could benefit, or any organization that steps up and organizes this Day of the Wolves Scratch to Raise Scratch event.
A search on Wikipedia shows Day of the Wolves is no longer under copyright protection. That means it is public domain — perhaps we can find a place to show the movie, the fellas can show off their fur and the audience could cast Best Beard Ballots. Winner takes half the pot. No stage beards!
Beard growing is beyond my skill-set, but fellas, does this sound like fun? [scratch, scratch, scratch]
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Cate Mueller is a web designer, editor, reporter and photographer in Bouse, Arizona. To visit her website, click here.
CC #5
Mar 30th
Re-Discovering AM Radio
When I was a child AM radio was all there was. That probably dates me worse than admitting to making reel-to-reel tapes, but I’ll own it. When FM appeared, that was it — I was rocking!
When I landed in Quartzsite ten years ago as a brand-new RVer I found the mother of all swap meets. I could not help buying a few toys, including a portable radio with rechargeable batteries. Sadly, the FM receiver did not work — waaah, no music! Oh, well.
Being too young to stay in RV parks meant living in a borderless, dry-camping, no-television environment … and sleepless nights. Lying there awake I toyed with my little radio and re-discovered the AM band. Cool! I listened to all-night news stations around the West. I also found Art Bell and his Coast-to-Coast AM — strange stories and interesting listening, but the alien and ghost tales did nothing to help my insomnia.
I learned Parker had an AM station during RadioShack’s customer appreciation party where I met Keith and Juanita. At the time their live remote trailer said, “Learn Broadcasting.” Naturally, this blonde assumed they ran a disc jockey school.
I asked Juanita if the curriculum was difficult.
“The first rule is: ‘Don’t eat anything before you go on.’ But, we’re not really a school,” Juanita corrected me. “It’s a radio station: KLPZ 1380 AM.”
Back in Quartzsite that night I tried to find KLPZ. AM stations in Albuquerque, Denver, Salt Lake City, San Francisco, Los Angeles, San Diego and Art Bell’s creepy “Kingdom of Nye” came in great but a station only 30 miles away? Not on my little radio. Darn! It would be nice to hear local news and weather.
Finally, one night about 0’dark:30 I found the station. A faint, fuzzy voice said, “You’re listening to 1380 AM Country.” [Yay!]
But then the voice drawled, “Country radio K – H – E – Y.” [Huh?]
“El Paso, Texas!” [Oh. No wonder I didn’t recognize any advertisers.]
Now I’m in Bouse and KLPZ comes in great — after 7 a.m. Winter mornings when the signal does not reach this far I hear K-HEY. It’s now a sports station featuring two guys having frantic sports conversations — but not with each other. How odd. Do people actually want to listen to blithering? Not me — give me the KLPZ zoo-crew!
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Cate Mueller is a web designer, editor, reporter and photographer in Bouse, Arizona. To visit her website, click here.
CC #4
Mar 17th
“What’s the name of the place I’m going? Cortez? Courtside?” I asked my friends as I climbed into my new home – an old RV.
“Quartzsite! RVers’ Mecca. Bye, have fun!” My friends bade me a happy 40th birthday and a fond farewell and I set sail as a brand new full-time RVer.
One flat tire and two sleepless roadside nights later I crossed into Arizona over the Colorado River east of Blythe. The landscape changed instantly from cultivated green farms to naked craggy brown desert peaks. Fifteen miles later I crested a range and the landscape changed again, just as instantly.
The desert ahead was a sea of white. White tarps on hundreds of vendor booths, white aluminum on thousands of RVs, white Kool Kover shelters and as I pulled off Interstate 10 I saw herds of white-haired people walking around browsing.
So this is Quartzsite!
I pulled into an RV park on Main Street and walked into the office. It was crowded with more white-headed people, all with a similar hairstyle; curly and short, like poodles. Perhaps it was a club.
A lady behind the counter helped all the poodle-heads and a few more who came in after me. Finally I stepped up to the counter. The lady gave me a dirty look and turned away.
I cleared my throat and said, “Excuse me, ma’am?”
The lady turned toward me and scowled.
“Um, how much is it to stay here?”
“You can’t stay here,” she non-answered and turned away again. What the heck?
“Excuse me?”
“WHAT!” She whipped around and snapped, “You’ll have to leave.”
“What?” My jaw dropped.
“This is a fifty-five plus park,” she said.
Fifty-five…? The speed limit? On these dinky streets?
“Out!” she barked.
Out I went. Gee whiz, welcome to Quartzsite. I headed out into the desert to dry camp. I learned later that “55+” means “for grown ups only.” What a concept – that you have to be a certain age to stay somewhere!
Turns out Miss Poodle-head did me a huge favor: I never again bothered to try staying in an RV park and by not paying any rent for six years I saved enough money to buy a house. Thanks, lady!
# # #
Cate Mueller is a web designer, editor, reporter and photographer in Bouse, Arizona. To visit her website, click here.
CC #3
Mar 9th
Crash!
“INFILTRATION ALERT! VIRUS ATTACK!” screamed a sudden flashing red screen on my laptop computer, followed by, “Windows has detected a Trojan Horse virus. Run anti-virus software?” Yes and No options popped up on more red windows. A stream of .exe files swarmed across my screen, followed by a new window that said, “Scanning…deleting files.”
“GAK! No! Stop! Do not delete anything!” I hit the panic button off switch and felt my heart drop. “No-o-o, this cannot be happening.”
I waited. Took a deep breath. Said that word we all say when things go astray. Gingerly restarted the computer.
“VIRUS ATTACK! Warning – 34 threats detected,” flashed angry-looking red screens.
I said that word again. Dead laptop. I wondered when I last backed up my files. Again with that word! I dug out my backup hard drive and plugged it into a friend’s computer. Last backup: July, 2010. [Word!]
The next two weeks were a blur of tears as I mourned the loss of seven month’s work. Gone! All my documents, spreadsheets, pics, PhotoShop work, tax info, lawsuit files, websites, and all the columns I wrote for ParkerLiveOnline – gone!
And it was my own fault! Virus attack aside, I should have been more vigilant about backing up my files. I know better – I once worked in a data center making huge reel-to-reel data backup magnetic tapes.
Tapes! That will date me.
I threw my dilemma to the universe via Facebook:
Cate Mueller > “Does anyone know how to get rid of a Trojan Horse virus?”
and received helpful responses like:
John Wright > “Get a Mac.”
Finally I stopped sobbing and mustered the courage to face the inevitable professional diagnosis. I dragged my ruined laptop into HapiFace HQ in Parker and, blinking hard, said, “C-c-c-can you fix this?”
HapiFace HQ proprietor Joni Lueken asked me a few questions, then smiled gently and said, “I feel confident I can recover your files.”
My heart soared. And now we know the reason Joni calls her shop HapiFace. I walked out with a healthy laptop and a great, big HapiFace! Thank you, Joni.
Now, everyone stop what you’re doing and BACK UP your work!
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Cate Mueller is a web designer, editor, reporter and photographer in Bouse, Arizona. To visit her website, click here.
