Germpocalypse!

So far this has been a pretty weird winter on the River. It seems like a lot of odd things have been happening, especially this flu bug that’s going around. I don’t recall ever seeing so many people catching a bug like this and then keeping it for so long. Not to mention everyone I know who’s gone two or more rounds with it.

No wonder Arizona is number one in the flu business right now. You’ve probably seen this map but hey, be proud – we’re number one at something! Okay, so we have to share that ranking with Puerto Rico but then again we aren’t selfish people now are we?

By the way, why don’t they have any info on Colorado? Does all that legal weed up there keep them from getting sick or does it just stop them from filling out reports?

I don’t know about that, but I have noticed something about all this sickness. Just about everyone I know who’s gotten the flu have at least one thing in common. (That’s one thing in common besides knowing me, which I agree could make you sick, but that’s not what I’m trying to get at!)

They’ve all used that hand sanitizer goop. Everyone single one of them. Most of them use it a lot, like many times a day. They squirt the goop out and rub that goop in. Over and over again. Yet one by one they’ve all fallen victim to the rampaging flu monster!

Well, everyone but me. You see, I don’t use the goop. Not at all. Not even once this year. And I don’t run around washing my hands like crazy either. I take conservation of water seriously! I also take another form of conservation seriously, one that could be behind the mysterious power of the flu in Arizona.

What is it? It’s life, my friends. What kind of life? Germ life.

Germs might not be people too but they are alive, you know. Yet most of you who read this are probably guilty of slathering vast amounts of gross goop on your hands and thus heartlessly slaughtering hundreds of thousands if not millions of germs this week alone! Who could possibly count the number of dead germs you’ve left in your goopy wake? Pause for a moment and ponder the amount of germy blood you have on your goop covered hands.

Yet in spite of all this inhuman (well ingermain anyway) behavior, you still got sick didn’t you? Coincidence? I think not! Don’t you think the germs know what you’re doing? Well they do. Some survive, the strong ones do, and they have been plotting and carrying out their terrible revenge against all you goop lovers everywhere.

If you think that sounds crazy, consider this. I, who eschew the goop and save the water, thus allowing myself to wallow in germs, haven’t been bothered by this flu at all. So far (can you hear me knocking on wood?) I’ve been just fine while my goop-loving friends and acquaintances have, one by one, fallen all around me. Who knows just how germ-covered I am? There are probably thousands of germs in my beard alone!

You probably remember years ago when they published those awful pictures of baby seals about to be clubbed to death don’t you? Remember the outcry against such cruelty? You’ve heard of genocide? Well this is germicide, with millions of germs being pounded into oblivion by thousands of goop-covered hands. It must be stopped.

So who will speak for the germs? The thousands and millions of innocent, tiny, yea helpless little germs who you recklessly and wantonly slaughter every day with that horrible godless goop!

I say it’s time we stop killing the germs and start to listen to them. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to start a dialogue with them? Think of the things we would learn. But we can’t because they can’t talk.

Therefore, I humbly take it upon myself to speak for them. And to remind you that if you treat them right the germs will be your friends. They’re all around you every day and can be helpful in many ways. Can’t we all just get along here?

We have the power to change this in our (well, your) goop-covered hands! We can speak truth to power by demanding germ rights now! I hope you’ll get behind this and suggest the following hashtags for all your social media posts on this vital subject:

• #dupesusegoop
• #germlivesmatter
• #stopgermoside
• #nogermwarfare.

Together we can bring about real change here. The germs are kindly, but just remember that you’d wise, very wise, not to tick them off. Take it from me. I hope to see your posts on this today.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I seem to be developing a bit of a sore throat. I wonder what that’s all about?

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Louie Marsh is pastor of Christ’s Church on the River on the Parker Strip. Visit his website HERE.